Wednesday, September 12, 2012


Elizabeth School
So, it’s Elizabeth School’s 100th year anniversary.

I wish I could be there to celebrate, but it’s far too dangerous.

It’s likely they’re still looking for me.

Moving to Washington and changing my name has helped greatly in keeping the law off my back all these years, but it’s impossible to hide forever and I know that day will come when I get a knock on the door and standing there is the head of the Enforcement Division of the Charlotte Teachers Union , the President of “No Crime Left Behind,” and the Armored Division Chief of Political Correctness  who announces, as he puts the cuffs on me, “…the Jig is up.”

 It’s even possible that the Elizabeth School Reunion is itself just a clever ruse to lure me out of hiding.

Obama Care Bill
In a sane world, you’d think that the Statute of Limitations would have kicked in by now, but in today’s world you can never be sure. I’ve heard that on page 7,043 of the Obama Health Care Bill there’s a clause that establishes a new government agency called “Fairness for Useless Old Men” that addresses the fact that Americans over the age of 60 had it too good during their younger years so in the interest of fairness and payback,  all their past transgressions will be re-opened and dealt with using today’s enlightened standards. It may just be a rumor, since no one has actually read the bill, but, I’m not going to take a chance.

My crime happened in either 1941 or 42. I was absolutely fascinated by what I found one day while playing in my friend Earl Pope’s attic. It was a box of .22 caliber bullets, 5 or 6 of which Earl said I could have to show some of my friends in school. I don’t remember who squealed on me, but the word got around pretty quickly that Ed was “carrying.” I didn’t know what the big deal was, but whatever it was, I was feeling kind of know, pretty special. Never before had so many of my classmates, especially the older boys, paid any attention to me. Now my name was circulating all over the school!

It was a good feeling..for a while.

If the same thing had happened today, I shudder to think how "special" I would have felt;

Swat team

First, the Principal would have called 911, the police then would have arrived and locked  the school down, a swat team would have moved in and demanded my surrender over a bullhorn, handcuffed me, and taken me to jail. After two weeks of psychiatric evaluation I would have been (hopefully) released to my parents to await trial.
After that, probably probation, unless of course they also happened to find an aspirin in my pocket.
Then, no less than 3 to 5 years.

But, lucky for me it happened in 1942, not 2012. My punishment?

I was sent to the principal’s office, where Miss Hattie confiscated the bullets, told me how dangerous they were...and to never do it again.

Then she told me to go back to class..

Being sent to Miss Hattie’s office scared me so bad, I never even went near my friend Earl Pope’s Attic again.

Thank God nothing tragic happened because of my stupidity in bringing those bullets to school.

Everything in this story is true, with only a couple of very slight exaggerations. The scariest one regards the arrival of the "Swat Team." which more and more is NOT an overreaction by the public school system, but in some instances is actually needed. 

What, in my opinion, are also needed are more teachers with common sense...and the permission to use it!

-Ed  (somewhere in Virginia)