Thursday, August 01, 2013

Clams Don't Have Teeth

 I see where Travon Martin's "hoodie" has been picked up by the Smithsonian Museum here in Washington. That doesn't surprise me; There are things stashed away in our "nation's attic" that you would never in a thousand years suspected had been saved.

For example locks of hair from our first 14 presidents.

Presidents Hair



Warren G.Harding's silk pajamas


Teddy Roosevelt's Teddy Bear


Harry Truman's bowling ball.

 Dorothy's red shoes from the Wizard Of Oz



Archie Bunkers chair, etc.


Almost anything you can imagine is there.  But, of course, the museum does  turn away a huge amount of "offerings" every year.  For example there's one fellow up in Newport, Rhode Island whose hobby apparently is searching his backyard for what he considers "treasures" to send to the Smithsonian.

He labels his exhibits with scientific names and ships them off to Washington.

His name is Scott Williams and the curators are familiar with him, having often faced the challenge of responding to him in writing. Their job is not an easy one:


Dear Mr. Williams, 
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled '93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post... Hominid skull.'

Funny true story - Smithsonian Exhibit
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be 'Malibu Barbie.'

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradict your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilised bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
2. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-datings notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.
To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Chief Curator-Antiquities

I hope you enjoyed that letter as much as I did!

It's a classic!

The fact that it's not true doesn't spoil it for me.  I hope it doesn't for you either. It was what was called an "urban legend" that first appeared around 1994. It was conceived by a man actually named Dr' Harvey Rowe, and in my opinion was one of the best ever "urban myths" to circle around the globe on the Internet.    -Ed