Wednesday, April 22, 2015

It was hard work, but somebody...

Finally after almost 80 years of near constant, obsessive and untiring observation and research, I can now announce my final, indisputable conclusion about Southern Women.

Specifically, as to WHY they are the most beautiful of their species on the planet!

The "tip off" came to me from a most unlikely source; a book about the life of Frank Sinatra by a man named George Jacobs, who was Sinatra's valet for more than 20 years.

The key paragraph involved the woman who many consider the most beautiful woman Hollywood ever discovered.

"Ava Gardner was the most beautiful woman I ever saw, much less met. I picked her up at the airport, and she could stop planes, not just traffic.
Ava Gardner
There was no movie star nonsense with her, no entourage, no fawning press agents in tow. She was pushing her own bags on a cart, trying to be low in dark glasses and a ratty raincoat. 

But once I had  her in the Cadillac and she took off the coat and the shades, I could barely see straight. The first thing to hit me were those cats' eyes of hers,, green with flecks of gold and hypnotic as hell.

She made me stop for a Coke and some peanuts, which she pored into the bottle and ate and guzzled at the same time....It's a southern thing, she said."

EUREKA!  That's it.

Peanuts in Coke!   I don't know why this didn't occur to me before, but now it's so obvious. 

Have you ever seen a beautiful woman of Ava's magnitude from New Jersey, New York, or Massachusetts.....of course not.  Some have come close, but then they open their mouths and begin to talk, and......well, you know.

Speaking of that, Ava always resented the fact that Hollywood insisted that she "lose" her beautiful Southern accent. She originally attracted MGM's attention from an unsolicited photo sent in by the owner of a photo studio in New York. At her first "screen test" the producer didn't even bother to record her voice, because no one on the crew could understand what she was saying.

When Louis B. Mayer, head of the studio saw the screening, he sent a telegram to the contract department telling them to hire her.
It read, 

"She can't sing, she can't act, she can't talk. She's terrific!

 Their first order of business was to have her work with a "speech coach."

Ava, as you remember was from Smithfield, NC.  

So many of the Miss America winners are also from the South. Simple logic points in the direction of my theory.

In no other part of the country, do they regularly consume Cokes with peanuts in them!  

I defy anyone to prove me wrong!

As the discoverer of this monumental beauty secret, I've been encouraged to reap millions by promoting it to the world.

I would, except it would make me such a celebrity and in such demand by the worldwide media that it would seriously disrupt my afternoon naps.

So, to Heck with it.

Besides, they would probably ask me questions like,  "Who first came up with the idea of putting peanuts in a bottle of Coke?"

And I have no idea.  I don't think anyone does.

The best guess is that around 1920. the practice was started at some filling station down south, when an unknown grease monkey took a break and bought a Coke and a pack of peanuts.  Instead of pouring the peanuts in his greasy hand, he took a sip of Coke and dumped them in the bottle, which also served to free up one of his hands.

Makes sense to me!
Here's to you!

Southerners have always been very practical.