By Warren Sparrow
THE WEAKLY READER
VOL. II, NO. 2
11 April 2016
I have decided to apply for a job. Why not? With my qualifications, it
should not take long to find meaningful work. To achieve this goal I crafted a
resume like no other, a resume that will resonate and bear fruit. This is it….
William Warren Sparrow
1117 West Fourth Street
Winston-Salem, NC 27101
Phone: 336 725 8953
Personal:
Private, unwilling to disclose based upon applicable EEOC rules and regulations.
Education:
1942-47 Dilworth Elementary School, Charlotte, NC,
,
disciplined for throwing spitball in 4th Grade and trying to bribe student into not telling.
1947-50 Alexander Graham Junior High School, Charlotte, NC,
forgot 2d verse of “Dear Hearts and Gentle People” during 7th Grade talent show.
1950-54 Central High School, Charlotte, NC,
suffered severe stomach pains in 10th Grade while playing basketball in best friend’s back yard;
tried Sal Hepatica and ended up in Presbyterian Hospital where appendix was
removed.
1954-55 N.C.State College of Agriculture and Engineering, Raleigh, NC,
drank first beer, learned to walk in a straight line and
change direction on command, cleaned M-1 rifle.
1955-59 Duke University College of Engineering, Durham, NC,
apprehended by campus police after breaking into Duke Indoor Stadium (now
Cameron) at midnight; released when the officers discovered that Sonny Jurgensen
was playing basketball with us.
1962-65 Wake Forest College Law School, Winston-Salem, NC,
learned to change diapers, wash them and hang them on clothes line.
Military Service: 1959-62 Active duty, United States Navy,
assigned to USS Wasp (CVS-18), aircraft carrier and flagship of antisubmarine Task Group Bravo,
home port Boston, MA; became adept at bar-room small talk, lead singer with the White Angels.
Employment: 1950-54 The Charlotte (NC) Observer,
sports department and mail room; learned I was not the only person who types
with two fingers, inserted comics into Sunday editions at the rate of 10,000 per
night thereby rendering me exhausted and unable to attend Sunday school or
church at Chalmers Memorial Associate Reformed Presbyterian Church,
corner of East and South boulevards, where Rev. Billy Graham and I were baptized.
1955 Foremost International Dairies, North Tryon St, Charlotte, NC,
slave assigned to milk-packaging machines, filling bottles and wax-covered
cartons, worst job ever which lead to worst night of my life, the night my N.C State
pals “got me drunk” and I showed up two hours late for work.
1956-58 (summers) Boulevard Sundries (Pharmacy),
corner of East Boulevard and Euclid Avenue, Charlotte, NC,
interacted with general public, sold
beer and ice cream, made milk shakes and listened to juke box.
1959-62 U.S. Navy active duty (See previous item),
earned status of Shellback” when ship crossed the Equator, crawled through tunnel of garbage, ran
gauntlet and kissed greased belly of “King Neptune.”
1962-65 Winston-Salem (NC) Journal,
sports writer, copy editor and
county government (court house) reporter during law school and six months
thereafter, continued to type with two fingers, learned to tear copy paper using the
edge of desk, discovered Xerox machine.
1966-2012 Licensed attorney,
authorized to practice in North Carolina
courts, including federal district courts throughout the state, admitted to practice in
the United States 4th Circuit Court of Appeals (Richmond, VA), United States Tax
Court and the United States Court of International Trade; served as Forsyth County
(NC) District Attorney for four years (1987-90), chartered twin-engine private
plane to beat deadline for filing in Columbia, SC, federal court, drove partner’s
Rolls Royce Silver Cloud from Winston-Salem to Greensboro airport where I
picked up two Wallabies and brought them back to partner’s private “zoo,” ordered
the execution of Woody and Bruno, 100-pound Rottweilers who killed a man
jogging by their home.
2012-present Devil’s Workshop.
Special skills: Two-fingered typing, losing keys and glasses, dropping cell phone
into cup of coffee, hitting wrong button on TV remote, falling up stairs and lying
when the truth would save me.
* * *
That is all we have for today. Remember, boys and girls, to take a tip from Tom,
go and tell your Mom, “Hot Ralston can’t be beat!”
Thanks for listening. WS
